Achievements Anonymous: The Black List

Sometimes, rewards are simply not worth the effort. That is definitely true for this batch of Achievements & Trophies.

So, as writer of Achievements Anonymous everyone assumes that I go out of my way to earn every Achievement, and nine times out of ten, that is true. However, there are occasions when a task is so much of a time-sink, that even I cannot muster the patience to perform them.

For this week’s column, I’d like to talk about some of those Achievements/Trophies I will probably never, ever earn. This is what I’m calling “The Black List.”

Dead Rising (360) – 7 Day Survivor
TYPE: 1 PlayREQ: Survive for at least 7 days.

So, we start off with Dead Rising’s legendary 7 Day Survivor (and it’s companion Achievement, 5 Day Survivor). The Achievement is connected to the game’s Infinity Mode, a survival mode that requires you to stay in the game’s mall setting for as long as possible. Over time, your health whittles down through hunger, requiring you to scavenge for food, while occasionally you’ll also run into human enemies that are looking to kill you (in addition to the zombie hordes, of course).

This Achievement requires you to survive for a full seven in-game days, so let’s do the math on this one. A day of in-game time in Dead Rising accounts to two hours of realtime , not including any loading screens between locations. So, times that by the seven days and you have a whopping 14 hours of time to stay alive for. Now here’s the kicker; in Infinity Mode there is no way to save your game, so you have to play the game, in one sitting, for at least 14 hours. Due to the health depletion you cannot simply leave the game running overnight; you need to be near your Xbox 360 to keep an eye on the action.

Of course, there are some maniacs out there that have done this (I’m looking at a certain UK Editor) but I just can’t be bothered to dedicate a whole day at a time to one game, at least not these days.

Mortal Kombat (360/PS3/Vita) – My Kung Fu Is Stronger
Gain Mastery of All Fighters

The last Mortal Kombat was a bloody great fighting game, offering some of the deepest fighting mechanics the series has ever had. However, I have no idea what the hell NetherRealm Studios were thinking when they came up with this Achievement.

To “Master” one character, you must get a character’s statistics to this level:

– 100 Victories
– 100 Finishing Moves (Fatalities, Babalities, Stage Fatalities, etc.)
– 10,000 Pints of blood spilled
– 24 hours of game played (As that character)

Now the first three stats aren’t too bad, but the 24 hours statistic is crazy. Now times that by 28 characters; yes, that is twenty-eight fighters to Master. Over a month’s worth of time spent in actual matches. Your Xbox 360/PlayStation 3/PlayStation Vita will probably melt before you get this one.

Ikaruga (XBLA) – Unstoppable
Clear the game in any mode without using Continue

I bloody love Ikaruga. I’m no expert on the genre, but as schmups go, Treasure’s colour-shifting classic is incredibly tough but also incredibly good fun. Watching an expert play through the game makes for incredible viewing, but is also soul-crushing as you realise you will never be that good. Ever.

Which makes Unstoppable a worthy addition to this list. It’s not on here because it’s a stupid decision by the developers, it’s because it’s an incredibly tough task. With a mere five levels, it sounds easy to “1-coin” the game, but in reality even on Easy mode it’s insanely difficult.

Smash TV (XBLA) – Game Master
Finish the entire game without continuing while using default settings

For those who have never heard of this game, Smash TV is a classic Eugene Jarvis (Robotron, Cruisin’ USA) arcade machine that is one of the best dual-stick shooters in existence. A manic shooter that requires you to kill monsters for cash and electrical goods (think The Running Man), Smash TV is a riot with two players.

Unfortunately, the game is no longer available on XBLA. You see, Smash TV was developed by Midway (original developers of Mortal Kombat, NARC and more), a company that sadly folded in 2009. However, this game also had a terrible glitch that prevented you from getting this Achievement.

As a coin-munching arcade game, Smash TV is pretty damn hard. So imagine getting through the entire game without losing all your lives, then not even being given the Achievement for doing so? This issue was never fixed, despite there being a good amount of time between this port’s release (2005) to Midway’s demise (2009). There’s nothing worse than a glitched Achievement, and this is one of the worst.

Grand Theft Auto IV (360, PS3) – Wanted
Achieve the highest personal rank in multiplayer.

Grand Theft Auto IV was a pretty decent game. It had its flaws (Nico’s character arc was completely contradicting your actions as a player), but it was a welcome update to the hit series. I just never got into the multiplayer, despite a huge amount of multiplayer modes, it never felt as fun or had as much variety as Red Dead Redemption’s online portion.

GTA IV also had a few really crappy Achievements related to the multiplayer mode, and it was difficult picking the worst, but it’s Wanted that takes the prize, requiring you to earn a score of $5,000,000 to reach level 10 and earn this coveted Achievement/Trophy.

Like Mortal Kombat, this is another one that requires a huge time commitment. With no Double/Triple/Quadruple XP weekends to count on (a’la Red Dead Redemption), even if you were to boost this Achievement/Trophy you are looking to grind the multiplayer for at least 25/30+ hours, and Christ knows how long it would take to get this legitimately.

Quite frankly, GTA IV’s multiplayer isn’t interesting enough for me to dedicate that much time.