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Rumble at the Springfield Auditorium: Ranking the fictional games of the Simpsons universe

by Andy Manson on May 22, 2017

For almost as long as video games have been a thing, there have been fictional depictions of video games in both television and film, and nowhere has this been more prevalent than in The Simpsons, Fox’s long-running (maybe too long-running, but that’s a debate for another time) animated juggernaut.

But what if those games weren’t actually fictional? If those games existed in the real world, which ones would we actually want to play? With such a wide range to choose from (seriously, it’s insane just how many have featured over the years), I’ve decided to choose the one game to rule them all by way of tournament bracket.

Of course, not every game can qualify, so here are some honourable mentions…

Larry the Looter – One of the first fictional games to feature in The Simpsons, this could easily have qualified. However, as far as crime simulators go, another game does it better and features in the tournament bracket.

Kevin Costner’s Waterworld – It’s a fantastic little sequence in which Milhouse – having fed ten dollars-worth of quarters into the machine – moves no more than a couple of steps before the machine demands another 40 quarters to continue. However, as funny as the scene plays out, it just strikes too close to the bone in this time of microtransactions and pay-to-win.

Touch of Death – Whilst it did give us the schadenfreude of watching Bart getting his comeuppance for bullying his sister, as with Larry the Looter, there are other genre-similar games that deserve a place on this list more.

And now onto the main event. First up, the seedings. At this point, these were decided according to how memorable the game was, not on whether it would actually make a good game or not.

#1 – Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge (from “Marge Be Not Proud”, Season 7 Episode 11)
#2 – Super Slugfest (from “Moaning Lisa”, Season 1 Episode 6)
#3 – Bonestorm (from “Marge Be Not Proud”, Season 7 Episode 11)
#4 – Dash Dingo (from “Lard of the Dance”, Season 10 Episode 1)
#5 – Hockey Dad (from “The Regina Monologues, Season 15 Episode 4)
#6 – Escape From Death Row (from “New Kid on the Block”, Season 4 Episode 8)
#7 – Billy Graham’s Bible Blaster (from “Alone Again, Natura-Diddily”, Season 11 Episode 14)
#8 – My Dinner with Andre (from “Moaning Lisa”, Season 1 Episode 6)

QUARTER FINALS

#1 Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge vs #8 My Dinner With Andre

This one looks like it should be a no-brainer. My Dinner With Andre – in spite of being the second ever fictional game to feature in The Simpsons – is only seen on-screen for a grand total of six seconds, as a tense Martin Prince frets over his next conversational input. Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge, on the other hand, plays a pivotal role in its epsode, as Bart is forced to feign excitement at the game Marge has incorrectly surprised him with. It even provides an additional little punchline at the credits roll. However, at the end of the day, the laughs with Putting Challenge are provided by Bart’s actions. And, you know…it’s a golf game. Whereas a game based on a 1980s art house comedy-drama is such an absurd notion, even before we get to the visual of the joystick that has “bon mot” as an input option, that it’s absolutely the one I would choose, if it was real.

RESULT: In the biggest upset imaginable in this bracket, the #1 seed falls in the first round. My Dinner With Andre advances to the semi-finals.

#3 Bonestorm vs #6 Escape From Death Row

Speaking of the game that Marge incorrectly surprised Bart with, Bonestorm is the game he actually wanted. And of course he did. We ALL wanted Bonestorm. Very much wearing the influence of Mortal Kombat and the like on its sleeve, it was an ultra-violent fighter that threatened to melt the face off of anyone who played it. It also gave us “WELCOME THRILLHO”. Escape From Death Row may seem tame in comparison, but let’s not forget that the protagonist (I use that term lightly here) is a man trying to escape execution. Of course, Bart fails to do so, and we’re treated to the fairly shocking (no pun intended) scene of the protagonist being executed by electrocution, while a heavy-set Texan governor celebrates by firing dual pistols into the air. In spite of that, I’m still going with Bonestorm. Because it’s Bonestorm.

RESULT: No shocks here. Bonestorm advances.

#2 Super Slugfest vs #7 Billy Graham’s Bible Blaster

If you’re a mother or father of a young child, then Super Slugfest – the first fictional game to ever feature on The Simpsons – might land just a little TOO close to home, as we share in Homer’s shame and despair at being easily bested by his son at this graphic boxing sim. And we’ve all experienced the heartbreak associated with being on the cusp of victory, only to have it snatched away by a cable being pulled out. I’m not gonna lie, it’s difficult to watch. On the other side of the coin, Billy Graham’s Bible Blaster is dumb, but in all the best ways. It seems like the kind of thing that “cool” clergymen in the 90s may have actually concocted to draw in the teenage crowd, whilst also being something Old Testament types would have absolutely hated. Most importantly, it just looks fun. Although I’m no longer allowed in the local church…

RESULT: In the closest match-up of the first round, seniority just edges out surreality. Super Slugfest prevails.

#4 Dash Dingo vs #5 Hockey Dad

Right, imagine a Crash Bandicoot game. Now imagine if that game was funny. I mean actually funny, as opposed to “90s console mascot” funny. Add in one of the most offensively hilarious Australian accents you’ve ever heard. There’s a 99% chance that you’ve just imagine Dash Dingo, the platform game so addictive that Lisa – yes, Lisa – feigns a prolonged illness in order to continue playing it. Now imagine a fighting game that plays like a mix of that fight scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary and any fight you’ve ever seen outside a pub near a football stadium. You’ve just imagined Hockey Dad, a game that will make you believe that UFC actually stands for Unfit Fat Chancers, as two petty manchildren knock lumps out of each other in the name of their “kid’s honour”. It’s ugly, it’s brutal and it’s a game I’d buy in a heartbeat.

WINNER: I’m not proud of this choice, but it’s Hockey Dad. I will fight you, if you disagree.

SEMI FINALS

#3 Bonestorm vs #8 My Dinner With Andre

The ultimate clash of styles. Big dumb fun vs cerebral reflection. Castration vs conversation. In one corner, we have Bonestorm, the Mortal Kombat clone so good that it led to crime. In the other corner, we have My Dinner With Andre, the game TellTale wishes it had created. I have to admit that my choice here is somewhat influenced by the fact that I have two brawlers in the other semi-final, but that would be doing a disservice to the game that would benefit the most from the huge strides made in audio quality and voice acting in games over the years. No, that game is not Bonestorm. Yes, that means what you think it means…

WINNER: My Dinner With Andre

#2 Super Slugfest vs #5 Hockey Dad

From a battle between brains and brawn, we switch to a battle between brawn and brawn. Super Slugfest, emblematic of the passage of time and being left in the dust by our progeny. Hockey Dad, emblematic of embarrassing our progeny at every available turn, while we still have a chance. And whilst you could argue that Hockey Dad is just Super Slugfest with a dash of poorer life choices, we’d all be lying if we said we didn’t envisage standing over the dad of another kid and proclaiming ourselves to be the better dad of the better kid at some point…

…r-right?

WINNER: Hockey Dad

FINAL

#8 My Dinner With Andre vs #5 Hockey Dad

I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. My Dinner With Andre’s route to the final has been both delightful and plucky. Rocky-like, even. But…I just can’t do it anymore. Hockey Dad didn’t exactly sail through to the final either, and it’s so unbelievably on-the-nose in its depiction of the stereotypical American sports dad that I can’t help but laugh every time I think of the phrase “I’M A BIG MAN!” And whilst choosing the petty dad simulator over the frustrated auteur simulator perhaps says more about me than I’d like it to, it is what it is. Your WINNER and best fictional video game in the Simpsons universe is:

Hockey Dad